When will you learn, numbnuts?

When will you learn people? How many people need to get injured or die because idiots can’t put down their god damn cell phones while driving. This asshole hit a car, sideswiped a house, and then rolled right into a pool. Jerkoff admitted that he was texting, too. The woman in the car suffered head injuries but is stable. And get this, the dumb fuck truck driver even had his 8-year-old niece in the truck and she also suffered minor injuries.

These people are a threat to everyone that gets near them on the road and they should be punished more severely when caught. I believe that if you are texting while driving, you might as well be drunk or high. When I am in my own vehicle and I see a car swerving, driving too slow, or not paying attention when a light turns green, 9 times out of 10, the retard is on his/her cell phone. Get your heads out of you asses, people.

I feel like an asshole

What the fuck is wrong with some people who have a fetish for dressing up their pets like humans? Poor dogs get the brunt of this. Probably because they tend to be pretty passive to their masters. I think it is stupid and cruel and someone should probably call the ASPCA on their pathetic ass.

So now the company who makes those ridiculous Snuggies for people too inept to use a regular blanket have now started making them for dogs. Uh, don’t dogs have FUR to keep them warm? If it is cold in your house why don’t you get your lazy ass up from the couch and turn up the thermostat.

You may ask why doesn’t the Snuggie company make them for cats? Well, because cats are super independent and wouldn’t put up with you trying to make them endure something so unnatural. They would scratch the fuck out of your ass and walk away. So their isn’t any money in the kitty snuggie market, and if they do start producing them, the company as a whole is an idiot.

Here is a wake up call to all you morons who make your dogs where this shit: Just because the dog doesn’t struggle or whine or bite you doesn’t mean he likes it, you fucks!

Thank's Bruno

If the Google search engine was a girl, it would be squealing gleeful sweet nothings in your ear right now, because it has been getting more cock than usual lately. A TON more cock. Cock searches, that is. And it is all because of the Bruno movie. You can also add balls, dick and penis to that list too. I know this because of the flood of traffic over the last few weeks that has arrived on my Bruno post that I wrote shortly after I saw the movie.

Since the movie first came out till now, it hasn’t let up. Searches for “Bruno’s cock video,” or Bruno big cock,” and many, many synonyms/variations in phrases there of.  The movie Bruno has generated so many cock searches I figured out why GLAAD(Gay & Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation) was so pissed. Bruno was getting more cock than they were. Rim-shot!

I am still wondering what the fascination is though. Sure, there is a big bouncy cock in the movie, so what. Are people, after watching the movie, wondering if it is actually his cock? And you are reading this thinking, ‘where the fuck have you been, idiot?! Well, I haven’t researched it myself, obviously. But I think it was a stunt cock. If anyone wants to shed some light on the Bruno(Sacha Baron Cohen) cock mystery, leave a comment and let us all know. Someone is gonna have to wrestle Cohen to the ground and pull his cock out, to know for sure, lol. Otherwise, Cohen will remain forever dubious on the subject. God damn now I am searching for Bruno’s cock and balls on Google. FUCK ME!

(No cocks were harmed in the writing of this post)

They're COMING! Run For Your Lives!!!

With television programs like The Little Couple, Jon & Kate Plus Eight, and Toddlers & Tiaras, the cable channel TLC really knows how to serve up the fleshy freak shows for their lazy gossip-frenzied, fat-fuck couch potato viewership. TLC might as well be a ring master to their circus side show of midgets young and old. No really, TLC must absolutely adore midgets and their ratings say many of us do too.

So TLC makes us very, very happy with their cornucopia of dwarves. For our lascivious pleasure, TLC offers up old, stumpy midgets in love and young sparkly painted midgets in meat-pageants. The TV station even has a midget pack of eight that are controlled by two profit-whore vaginas. So if you want to get your rocks off in midget heaven, tune in to TLC.

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You Guys Play Nice, OK

The 3 men involved in last weeks fiasco, namely Obama, Gates, and Crowley are set to have beers at the white house and TRY to talk to each other as regular Joes and not as the speak-before-think-President, the how-dare-you-I’m-a-Harvard-professor, and the plain-asshole-cop. I think Obama’s invitation is good spirited in a cozy and warm feeling way. However, it is silly for anyone to think that this is going to change anything on the racial front or make any progress whatsoever for any man’s civil rights.

Sure, Gates and Crowley are going to bring forth their best behavior and cooperation in front of the President. It might be more fun to expect the two men two argue like bickering schoolgirls with Obama the referee. Or maybe too many Bud Lights, Blue Moons, and Red Stripes cause the brats to have a drunken brawl. Personally, I don’t give a shit either way because I think all 3 acted like idiots last week.

They are all at fault and I don’t think too highly of any of them. I think Crowley looks like an asshole, oozing with a policeman’s arrogance. Gates looks like a Harvard snob, he probably thinks his shit doesn’t stink, rather, it smells like a freshly mowed Harvard lawn

I Can't Come?

bordered with beds of sweet smelling spring tulips. And Obama….uh…is just Obama. Well, Crowley can’t be all bad if he likes Blue Moon. I love that beer.

So now, I lift my beer high to these 3 men in the name of frivolity at it’s best. Cheers. Oh, and have one for the Bushmeister!

Kid Runs From Mormons Trying To Kill Him

A seven-year-old child in Salt Lake City, Utah was on the run Sunday morning when he took his father’s car for a ride in order to avoid going to church. Police finally stopped him about 45 miles north of town. Apparently the kid had every reason to run because he is part of a Mormon family and the child was to be used as a human sacrifice that day so that the other Mormon fanatics in the congregation could drink his little-kid blood in the name of the imprisoned profit/child-lover Warren Jeffs. So you need to run kid, run for your little life.

Below is a video of the kid on the run:

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BLOOMBERG! GET ME THE FUCK OUTTA HERE!!!

When I first saw the headline in the New York Times recently that read “City Aids Homeless With One-Way Tickets Home,” my first thought was that of sarcasm at the idea that NYC was trying to transfer the burden onto someone’s shoulders other than theirs. But, the more I thought about it, the less there was to rant about.

New York City is actually handling their homeless issues constructively and humanely. The homeless have the choice on whether to stay at the shelter or take NYC up on their offer to fly them wherever in the world they need to go. Plane tickets ranging from around $500 to $6000 show that the city is willing to get you anywhere. They even verify first if the family members of homeless persons to those particular destinations are able and willing to take them in.

The administration, under Mayor Bloomberg, launched this program in 2007 and since then has paid the way for 550 families to get out of the city. The program which has cost an average of $500,000 a year to run has proven much cheaper than the upkeep of families in shelters in the city which costs about $36,000 per family a year. So 550 homeless families times $36,000 a year equals approximately $20,000,000 a year; 40 times more than paying for those families to leave the city. Sounds like Mayor Bloomberg is on to something.

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Fuck you, mommy

The cable channel TLC has only one show I like to watch: American Chopper. Of course I haven’t seen any new episodes since Paul Jr. took a hike off the show. Paul Jr. and Paul Sr.’s bickering, I admit, kept me glued to the tube more than the glossy motorcycles. But I am not here to talk about American Chopper, rather, there are other shows on this channel that annoy me or just weird me out. Let me talk about the latter.

The show that totally weirds me out is called “Toddlers & Tiaras” and I feel it is just wrong on multiple levels. The little girls can’t be older than 5 or 6, who are made to where outfits befitting of a drag queen, have their faces plastered with makeup, so much so they look like clowns or miniature hookers. The moms can be seen putting spray tanner, fake eyelashes, fake teeth and fake hair on them. Then they are made to parade themselves on stage in these pageants like pieces of meat. It disturbs me to think of all the pedophile viewers out there that are probably jerking it to these babies. There are your ratings TLC and congrats, you succeeded in creating a show for pedos. And I thought this was suppose to be “The Learning Channel.” What the fuck am I suppose to be learning from this shitty TV show?

Anyways, the little girls think it is fun for a bit, because what little girl doesn’t enjoy playing dress up? But soon, you can see the pressure and frustration on the little girls’ faces as they are forced by mommy and daddy to live up to expectations that are too absurd. The parents are fanatics living vicariously through their kids. And when the little girls lose the pageant, who really pays, the parents? No, fuck them. The girls pay emotionally with every rejection because they were not cute or “talented” enough to win. Then they are pretty much mind-fucked for life, because their asshole parents let them know just how disappointed they are in them. THANKS MOM.

These little kids are pressured by their parents who should really be protecting them from the very things that they are forcing them to do: Exploitation, superficiality, and child labor. These fucking parents need to get a life and find a hobby.

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Nutsy put out of misery

Season 7 American Idol contestant Alexis aka “Glitter Girl” Cohen was found dead at 4 a.m. in Seaside Heights, PA from injuries she sustained from a car hitting and killing her. An autopsy later disclosed that Cohen had suffered critical chest and abdominal injuries from the impact with the vehicle. Also, a closed head injury was found, but after the coroner saw the video below, it was determined that the head trauma was unrelated to the car accident and must have happened as a child. Rimshot!

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Just Stop with the King of Pop

To the media: Please, for the love of God, stop showing Micheal fucking Jackson all over the news. He was talented and he will be missed by a lot of fans, but if I have to see his ugly mug anymore I might explode. I probably speak for quite a few when I say I hate having the late musician shoved down my throat every time I turn on the TV. Who cares about the meds he took or if he has a fourth mystery son or who’s going to care for the children. He wasn’t a personal friend or relative so I don’t give a shit. SHUT THE FUCK UP!

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