Nutsy put out of misery

Season 7 American Idol contestant Alexis aka “Glitter Girl” Cohen was found dead at 4 a.m. in Seaside Heights, PA from injuries she sustained from a car hitting and killing her. An autopsy later disclosed that Cohen had suffered critical chest and abdominal injuries from the impact with the vehicle. Also, a closed head injury was found, but after the coroner saw the video below, it was determined that the head trauma was unrelated to the car accident and must have happened as a child. Rimshot!

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Just Stop with the King of Pop

To the media: Please, for the love of God, stop showing Micheal fucking Jackson all over the news. He was talented and he will be missed by a lot of fans, but if I have to see his ugly mug anymore I might explode. I probably speak for quite a few when I say I hate having the late musician shoved down my throat every time I turn on the TV. Who cares about the meds he took or if he has a fourth mystery son or who’s going to care for the children. He wasn’t a personal friend or relative so I don’t give a shit. SHUT THE FUCK UP!

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People have burned Harry Potter books because it was an “evil abomination.” That was one extreme. The other extreme is to be so obsessed with Harry Potter, that you would kill yourself after you hear a plot spoiler from the movie.

That is exactly what one crazy Ohio man did yesterday. 32-year-old Jude “nut job” Ralston committed suicide after he unwittingly overheard a plot spoiler from the new J. K. Rowling movie, “Harry Potter and the Half-blood Prince.” Ralston left a suicide note saying that he “no longer had a reason to live” after hearing the plot spoiler.

Ralston was already known to be a Harry Potter fanatic. Sources from Ralston’s town say that it began when he changed his license plate to say “Hogwarts.” And eventually, Ralston started wearing a wizard cap around town(LOL, what the fuck?!). Polly Clovis, an acquaintance of Ralston’s, said they should have seen the wizard cap as “a cry for help.”(Uh, you think? You dumb bitch)

Apparently, the Potter freak would do anything in his power to help from hearing spoilers, including disconnecting his computer from the internet and even evading his favorite comic book store.

After Mr. Ralston’s death, Miss Clovis would like federal authorities to restrict Harry Potter info from leaking out, in order to prevent similar calamities.

Are you fucking kidding me? That is one of the most ridiculous things I have ever heard. Federal authorities charged with restricting the flow of Harry Potter info, lol? That’s a hoot. Like it’s their fault. It sounds to me like this dude would have found any excuse to do himself in. He was probably one step away from shooting up a McDonald’s. Better him that us.

How about, instead of restricting the flow, we increase it and all of the closet Harry Potter freaks will expose themselves, running around naked in the streets, having sex with animals, jumping off buildings thinking they can fly, etc. That will be fun.

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In some bittersweet news, today, a factory worker in Camden, New Jersey died by falling into a deep vat of boiling chocolate.

The 29-year-old man was walking on top of the vat this morning when he fell into an opening and got caught in the machinery mixing the chocolate. He died later from sustained injuries.

Willy Wonka wasn’t available for comment.

Don’t be surprised if your next chocolate bar has a tooth in it.

Death by Chocolate

Serves/Makes: 10    |   Difficulty Level: 3    |   Ready In: > 5 hrs

Ingredients:

1 penis–uncircumcised, testicles optional(warning: might spoil)

1 package Dark Chocolate Cake Mix — “pudding in mix” kind

1 toenail–toe cheese optional

1 cup Kahlua 4 boxes jello chocolate mousse — prepared

2 fingers–finely chopped
4 bars Skor candy bars — broken
1 large cool whip — largest tub

1 1/2 eyeballs–without cataracts

Directions:
Prepare cake in 13″ x 9″ glass baking dish. When cool, pierce cake with a fork all over and pour kalua over top. Cover with plastic wrap and chill overnight.

Prepare mousse. In a 3 1/2 quart trifle bowl, layer broken up cake pieces, mousse, candy, eyeballs, toenail, fingers, and cool whip (3 layers each). Sprinkle Skor candy pieces on top.

What do you think?