Honk! Honk!

Jesus Christ, Heidi Montag Pratt is not only a dumb ugly bitch with an equally pitiful husband, she can’t even pose for Playboy right, and what I mean by right is nude…duh. The men’s magazine might as well stop publishing their crap magazine if they are gonna put this garbage in it. I can’t believe they let Montag pose without being nude. Who the fuck do they think she is? An actual celebrity with clout? No. Heidi Montag has neither. So Playboy is pathetic.

Playboy should have natural beauties in their magazine, not hack jobs like Montag, with her fake tits and nose. Since her photo spread, Montag is now considering more plastic surgery. Well hey Heidi, no amount of surgery is going to fix what you got, a very small brain. Montag said recently, “I think I want to go bigger on my boobs for [Spencer].” Heidi doesn’t seem to get that what Spencer Pratt really wants is a big black cock up his little white ass and in his cute little mouth. Fade away fuckheads.

Hiedi MANtag's face is a drag....queens

Heidi Montag definitely has a butherface, her body is okay, but-her-face. It’s just like that sex in the city chic, one thing I could never figure out is how the annoying Sarah Jessica Parker could get the lead in a show with a ugly moon face like that.

The same thing goes for Heidi, look at her jawline and how broad it is. It’s mannish and not very attractive. If she were on the cover of Dog Fancy, yeah maybe she could get away with it, but not Playboy. I wouldn’t be surprised if Playboy Photoshopped her jaw to make it more narrow. Not only is Heidi’s face fucked up, she has fake tits to boot, her body is a chop shop, not natural beauty. Of course, Playboy has gone down hill and this proves it.

They're COMING! Run For Your Lives!!!

With television programs like The Little Couple, Jon & Kate Plus Eight, and Toddlers & Tiaras, the cable channel TLC really knows how to serve up the fleshy freak shows for their lazy gossip-frenzied, fat-fuck couch potato viewership. TLC might as well be a ring master to their circus side show of midgets young and old. No really, TLC must absolutely adore midgets and their ratings say many of us do too.

So TLC makes us very, very happy with their cornucopia of dwarves. For our lascivious pleasure, TLC offers up old, stumpy midgets in love and young sparkly painted midgets in meat-pageants. The TV station even has a midget pack of eight that are controlled by two profit-whore vaginas. So if you want to get your rocks off in midget heaven, tune in to TLC.

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Fuck you, mommy

The cable channel TLC has only one show I like to watch: American Chopper. Of course I haven’t seen any new episodes since Paul Jr. took a hike off the show. Paul Jr. and Paul Sr.’s bickering, I admit, kept me glued to the tube more than the glossy motorcycles. But I am not here to talk about American Chopper, rather, there are other shows on this channel that annoy me or just weird me out. Let me talk about the latter.

The show that totally weirds me out is called “Toddlers & Tiaras” and I feel it is just wrong on multiple levels. The little girls can’t be older than 5 or 6, who are made to where outfits befitting of a drag queen, have their faces plastered with makeup, so much so they look like clowns or miniature hookers. The moms can be seen putting spray tanner, fake eyelashes, fake teeth and fake hair on them. Then they are made to parade themselves on stage in these pageants like pieces of meat. It disturbs me to think of all the pedophile viewers out there that are probably jerking it to these babies. There are your ratings TLC and congrats, you succeeded in creating a show for pedos. And I thought this was suppose to be “The Learning Channel.” What the fuck am I suppose to be learning from this shitty TV show?

Anyways, the little girls think it is fun for a bit, because what little girl doesn’t enjoy playing dress up? But soon, you can see the pressure and frustration on the little girls’ faces as they are forced by mommy and daddy to live up to expectations that are too absurd. The parents are fanatics living vicariously through their kids. And when the little girls lose the pageant, who really pays, the parents? No, fuck them. The girls pay emotionally with every rejection because they were not cute or “talented” enough to win. Then they are pretty much mind-fucked for life, because their asshole parents let them know just how disappointed they are in them. THANKS MOM.

These little kids are pressured by their parents who should really be protecting them from the very things that they are forcing them to do: Exploitation, superficiality, and child labor. These fucking parents need to get a life and find a hobby.

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Nutsy put out of misery

Season 7 American Idol contestant Alexis aka “Glitter Girl” Cohen was found dead at 4 a.m. in Seaside Heights, PA from injuries she sustained from a car hitting and killing her. An autopsy later disclosed that Cohen had suffered critical chest and abdominal injuries from the impact with the vehicle. Also, a closed head injury was found, but after the coroner saw the video below, it was determined that the head trauma was unrelated to the car accident and must have happened as a child. Rimshot!

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